For hundreds of years, stories of dudes poking each other with long pointy objects while sitting on horses and wearing heavy metal plates captivated audiences and authors alike. From Crétien de Troyes to Geoffrey of Monmouth to Chaucer, Emperor of Geoffries, these jousting equestrians have pranced their way through some of our most famous pages. But where are these chivalrous heroes now? How can we sing for lost valour if we cannot tell the story of that loss? Never fear! The literary historians at Clickity-Lit have investigated and now present to you the top five theories:
Where Did All the Knights Go?
1. They mistook a clothing store mannequin for a human woman and died of heartbreak at her cruel indifference.
2. A particularly virulent strain of laryngitis ran through their population*
Unable to express their devotion to their ladies in rhyming couplets, they lost the will to live. *paleo-epidemiologists at the University of Hrelpbumshire isolated a knight-specific genetic profile in 1999
3. Before they were able to reproduce, the last known generation of knights were given lifetime jail sentences for stalking.**
“I found him bludgeoning a pigeon to death on the balcony of my 24th-floor apartment while yelling that only he had the right to gaze at me through the window,” said Jenny Parkins, 31, of Chicago. “When the police arrived they found his saddlebag stuffed with pages of elaborately written schemes for forcing me into marriage, along with a sizeable collection of my hairs.”
**haha just kidding. no one really gets punished for stalking.
4. They accidentally walked in on a young woman taking a shit
Their heads exploded on the spot.
5. They turned 15 and figured out how to have actual conversations with girls sometimes.
Those are our best educated guesses, anyway. Cervantes might have had something to do with it too. In any case, knights are gone, irony is here, and we’re kind of OK with that.