I am not a prude. I have had the intercourse, and own many fine pictures of immodest women. But I draw the line at our permissive society intruding on my hobbies. I’ve been part of an online reading group for three months now, but have found a number of what the kids these days call ‘dick pics’ that the moderator refuses to do anything about. I have decided to share them here, where I hope I will have more support to get them removed.
This is the first. I discovered it while eating broccoli, which I subsequently sprayed at the screen. A disgusting dick pic, right on our sacred literary website!? Why, I could never. The woman who posted it (a WOMAN! can you believe) was called yearnin4herman, a name that immediately rang my alarm bell. I alighted right to our moderator and asked that he remove the offensive ‘dick pic’, but he did the computer equivalent of laughing at me and then said ‘that’s actually pretty funny leavenameblank.’ I was shocked at the indifference, but endeavoured to carry on like a true Englishman. That’s when I came across the second.
It was even worse. Nobody knows what a ‘Moby’ dick is, but everybody understands what a ‘King’ dick is! Yes yes, I know, it says Richard, but it’s simply a very subtle way of introducing a dick pic. Dick is short for Richard! (Also, come on, it’s Shakespeare).
I went to the moderator, sure that this time he would do something about it. But instead he sent me one of those laughy face emoticons. I felt as though he wasn’t taking me serious at all. But it gets worse!
What the Dickens! It’s Charles Dickens! Posted by a user known as tiny_tim_needs_braces, which is either a sexual reference I don’t understand or making fun of crippled orphan boy Tiny Tim, which is unacceptable. Anyway, it was becoming even more obvious now. Dick-ens. Oh, the reprobates were out in force today. I reported to the moderator once again, but he (I’m assuming it’s a he) sent me a message saying ‘Oh. You’re serious about this?’ And then nothing.
But my day wasn’t at an end.
BRAZEN. Pure brazen. They knew I was on to them, but they continued regardless. No question this time. It was right there. ‘Dick’. And not only did it say Dick, it also had a picture of famous Austrian landscape painter Adolf Dickler! Two dicks in one pic! Oh, he couldn’t ignore me this time so he couldn’t, and so I sent a complaint.
NOTHING! And then, two days later, a single reply. ‘Jesus dude. Relax.’
THIS IS ME RELAXING!
And yet my trials continued.
BRETT EASTON ELLIS!? Author of American Psycho and renowned real life dick!? This was the biggest dick pic they’d posted, and I was going to do something about it. I wrote to the moderator, and he responded ‘yes, Brett Easton Ellis is a total f*cking douchebag. But just because he is a dick, that doesn’t make this a dick pic. I don’t think you understand what a dick pic is.’
But I was to suffer one final injustice.
I sent the moderator this picture of my penis and he banned me. WHAT THE HELL!?