Disclaimer. This article is written by a man, but one who totally understands what you’re going through ladies, because people called him a nerd at school and after all isn’t that the same as the discrimination women face every day? 

This is progress in the fight for equal representation guys. A new novel will see James Bond gender swapped for the first time. Wow, the worlds greatest secret agent is about to become a woman! What a great day for representation!

The novel follows a similar plot to Ian Fleming’s classics.  The Soviets are behind everything, even when it makes no sense for them to be, there’s lots of drinking, some other stuff happens.

But there the differences end.

For one thing, it’s readable. Secondly, it mostly revolves around Jana Bond’s co-workers judging her for her sex life. Wow! James Bond is a woman!

This is how the novel begins.

‘You slept with Chad Handsomely, the handsome moon scientist!’ M cried in exasperation.
‘Come on M. It’s not like it’s going to make a difference to the mission.’ said Jana.
‘Difference to the mission? I don’t care about that. He’s like, the fiftieth man you’ve had sex with while a secret agent.’
Jana frowned. ‘So?’
‘So you’re getting a reputation!’ shouted M. ‘And now we look bad because people think we hire… loose women.’
‘He means whores.’ said 10%-More-Moneypenny, the male secretary who Jana was always approaching in an overly forward manner. ‘We don’t hire whores.’
‘What? 009 has slept with about ninety women in the same period of time!’ Jana protested.
M grinned. ‘Ah yes. He is incorrigible.’ He high-fived 009.
‘Where did he come from?’ Jana asked.
‘He’s my double-bro nine.’ said M.

Yay, James Bond is a woman! Less yay for starting the novel slut-shaming her, but don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good ladies!

The action is great. Jana Bond goes on a mission to Tunisia to find an exotic diamond smuggler named Le Diamondsmuggler, and she kicks just as much ass as James Bond ever could until she gets side-lined by menstrual cramps.

Jana spun kicked a guy through a window, knocking over two other people. It was only her and Le Diamondsmuggler now.
‘Prepare to die Le…’ she began, but then she doubled over. ‘Oh no, my monthly woe!’ she cried.
‘Le What?’ said Le Diamondsmuggler.
‘My feminine weakness!’ Jana cried. ‘My punishment for Eve eating the apple first! My Achilles Womb!’
‘Ew.’
‘Yes, I must retreat and eat ice cream and be a total bitch to my boyfriend even though he’s trying to work on a kickass James Bond novel but where James Bond is a chick.’ And she ran away.

Le Diamondsmuggler escapes, and it’s repeatedly emphasised that this is because Jana was on her period. Which isn’t ideal, but don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good! Yay! Female James Bond!

009 fired his gun into Le Diamondsmuggler’s face. ‘Looks like you’re Le Dead.’ he quipped.

This is during the three hundred pages in which Jana has disappeared for some reason. But she turns up at the end!

You just weren’t forceful enough to get the promotion to super-secret agent.’ said M. ‘You were more risk averse, and therefore didn’t go for it as much, and that’s why it’s going to 009.’
‘Yes, I didn’t really put myself out there.’ said Jana. ‘Mostly because of the menstruation. But also because I was having an inappropriate amount of sex.‘
‘Yes, you are far too forceful’ said M. ‘Men don’t like that.’ He high-fived 009. ‘Double-bro!’ he screamed.
‘So, I just go back to regular work?’ Jana asked.
‘No, you’re pregnant and therefore you have to leave.’ said M.
And they all lived happily ever after.

I didn’t like the bit where she got fired, but we can’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

Yay! Female James Bond!

Ending the pay gap is just around the corner guys.