Being published. It’s the Holy Grail for every author, and yet, like the Holy Grail, it seems all too unobtainable. As a first time author looking in on the industry it can be incredibly daunting. It can seem impossible to break into, like a well guarded Primark, or my therapist’s office because I suspect she’s writing unflattering things about me. Fortunately, your man PJ is here to give you seven simple tips to get any publishing company salivating over your work.

1. Begin with a jazzy email, and refer to yourself as the Jazzmeister to emphasize how cool you are.

First impressions are everything. When the head of publishing reads the email that’s just arrived from a completely unknown source, s/he wants to be blown away. None of this ‘Dear Sir/Madam’, or ‘I have an important novel’ or ‘I survived the Syrian Civil War and I need to tell people of the horrors that I witnessed.’ BORING! No, make it jazzy. That is, possessing the attributes of jazz. Trumpets, saxophones, etc etc. Even then, it may not be obvious to the top dog, so make sure to refer to yourself as ‘The Jazzmeister’ repeatedly. This will really get their attention, and they’ll actually want to read your manuscript.

2. Change the title to ‘Vampires Fuck Good’

Vampires are hot right now, and publishers will immediately seize on anything that uses the word ‘vampire’ and involves sex. Your novel isn’t about vampire sex? Who cares. ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ wasn’t about killing mockingbirds. Titles are meaningless.

3. Don’t begin your novel with a lengthy invective against Denmark

This should go without saying, but DO NOT BEGIN YOUR NOVEL BY INSULTING DENMARK. It’s been done so many times before that nobody is surprised anymore.

4. Surreptitiously mention that you know where the publisher lives

It doesn’t matter whether you do or not. People are strangely receptive to you if they think you know where they live and are unstable!

5. Get a celebrity to endorse your book by threatening to out them as a fiscal conservative

A celebrity endorsement really helps, and 99% of celebrities are proud liberals until it comes time to pay tax. Casually mention that you know they’re a fiscal conservative and ‘it’d be a shame if somebody found out’ and they’ll endorse you lickity-spit!

6. Be famous yourself by appearing on ‘Sex Hut, the Sexy Show About Sex’ and attacking somebody

Being famous is a great way to get published. Numerous terrible authors have been published because they appeared on a reality tv show. Appear on any show, but mainly on Sex Hut, and then bite somebody on the eye. You’ll be remembered as ‘the crazy one’ and everybody’ll want part of your deal.

7. Be white

It’s a well known fact that being white helps with things like being paid more for doing the same job, getting preferential treatment at work, and not being murdered by the people employed to protect you. But did you know it also helps with getting published? Make it clear that you’re Caucasian by saying things like ‘I enjoy croquet’ and ‘where is my quinoa, Chad?’ It works every time! Not white? Don’t worry about it! By the time they find out, you’ll already be published and you can mourn the deep inequalities that still exist within society as a published author. Hooray!