A few days ago I was told about an ancient poem called ‘The Odyssey’. It had everything; opium, a cyclops, a journey to hell. I was so looking forward to reading it, but when I did, imagine my surprise when I couldn’t pronounce all of the Greek names. Long story short, I’m angry now, and these are the five people I’m going to take it out on.
1. This Elderly Postman
I can deal with Odysseus and Penelope. Hell, even ‘Telemachus’ even though it’s a weird name. But then Telemachus meets up with his friend, Nestor’s son Peisistratus. Excuse me? Some of us are trying to pronounce these names purely on phonetics alone. How do you pronounce this!? Since I’m not sure, I’m going to take out my frustration on this elderly postman by taking his letters and dumping them into the sewer. But I’m not stopping there.
2. My Lawyer’s Husband
Odysseus manages to escape death at the hands of Poseidon, but ends up stranded on the island of the Phaeacians. Fucking what!? To make matters worse, the first person he comes across is called Nausicaa. And her parents are Arete and Alcinous. I’m so angry that I’m going to go up to my lawyer’s husband and push him over a bit.
3. This Woman With Too Many Strawberries
There’s a cyclops, which is cool, but his name is Polyphemus. I mean, how the hell do you pronounce that? I’m going to take this woman’s strawberries and eat them in front of her. Every single one.
4. Award Winning Musician Bjork
Laestrygonians. That’s all I have to say. I’m going to edit Bjork’s biography to remove the little accent thing above the o in her name. And that will be just the beginning.
5. Mascot of the Pittsburgh Steelers, Steely McBeam
Odysseus and his men must navigate the treacherous whirlpool Charybdis. I mean, come on. Let’s see if jet fuel can melt Steely McBeam!