Well this is interesting. Donald Trump has just named his choice for Poet Laureate of the United States, and it’s an evil clone of Walt Whitman called Alt Whitman. Trump, who doesn’t know what poetry is, isn’t believed to have chosen the man himself. Instead he offloaded that job to the Patron Saint of Heart Disease, Steve Bannon, who opened a competition to find the very first alt-right poet. The alt-right (also called ‘Nazis without the fashion sense’) aren’t known for their ability to write things or be people, but the competition scoured the country nevertheless. And, in the basement of his mom’s cabin in New England, they found their man.

Alt Whitman hadn’t written much besides rape threats on Tumblr, but he has been discovering a passion for poetry ever since he was named Poet Laureate, which sounded too foreign and now is called Smart Word Man Job. In fact, he’s already produced over three hundred poems, from the interestingly written ‘SJWs Hate Flag’

SJWS OH MY GOD
FLAG
ILL BURN URE OVARIES

to the experimental one word poem ‘MUSLIMS’

MUSLIMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alt Whitman’s work hasn’t been particularly well received by the poetic community, but he says they’re all libtards anyway, and that the only person he cares about is the President. And the President seems happy, tweeting that ‘Alt Whitman is a great word man and a great American’ before threatening to imprison the librarian who told him he couldn’t eat chips in the library when he was twelve.

Either way, it’s a new form of literature in America, one that truly captures the clusterfuck of our time. Invest in fuel, Americans! It will be the currency when society collapses!