When you specialise in literature, people seem to have a list of things that they want to say to you. It’s all good fun for the most part, but some are so repetitive that it just starts to get annoying. Here are the most significant ten.

Literature? don’t you just fuck around and read books?

*Eyeroll* This is the most common one. There’s an assumption that if you’re a literary scholar you just kick back, read books and drink wine all day. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE DO.  But that’s a secret. Stop blurting our secret out assholes. We don’t tell anyone that economics is basically spending all day having a penis and pretending to be a scientist, or that chemistry is 90% meth lab explosions, so don’t point out our flaws.

I read Shakespeare once. Also, I’m an orphan. My parents were killed in an airship explosion just now, so I’m an orphan.

LOL! We’ve ALL read Shakespeare idiot. He’s like the most popular English language writer in history.

The world could survive without literature. As long as we have our memories of 1930s child star Micky Rooney, we’ll be fine.

This one again! Our memories of cherished 1930s child star Micky Rooney are obviously very important, but it doesn’t have to be either or. We can have our memories of Micky Rooney, and we can have literature.

Oh, so you must want to write a novel. Possibly about me, billionaire Elon Musk, saving the world through immense wealth and a rocket ship.

No I don’t want to write a novel about you Elon. Stop asking.

Aren’t you worried that by immersing yourself in the resources and politics of academia that you’re entering into a system that seeks to perpetuate its own beliefs rather than search for actual knowledge?

……..no?

Do you know why my wife left me? She just left. I didn’t even think anything was wrong. But apparently she hadn’t been happy in a long time. I mean, if I can’t even spot that then what kind of person am I? 

*Sigh* This is a common one. She left because you don’t listen and she found love with her capoeira instructor. You didn’t know that because you don’t listen. Or maybe you do listen and she’s the one who didn’t listen and she’s a selfish monster. I don’t know. Life and relationships are complicated and frequently awful. Why do you think I just sit around reading books and drinking wine all day alone?  …shit.

Can we pretend to get married so that my parents will stop trying to force me to marry Richard, the wealthy man across the road who has a large collection of porcelain dolls?

If I had a penny for every time I’ve heard this one! Look, just talk to your parents. If you don’t want to marry Richard, then don’t marry him. Also, he might be a serial killer based on the doll collection, so maybe look into that too.

WHY!!!!!!!!!???????

I don’t know.

I hate looking at your face.

Geez, this one SO MUCH! Ok, I get it. I’ll wear the bag.

A man puts on a clean shirt every night before bed. On the first night he puts on a blue shirt. He than sleeps for 5 hours. Every one hour more he sleeps than the night before he put on a different colour shirt the next night according to this scale: blue, black, red, green, white, pink, orange, brown, purple, yellow, grey, neon green, tan, and teal. Every one hour less he sleeps than the last night he put on a different colour shirt the next night going backwards on his scale. If he were to wear a blue shirt because he slept more hours than the last night he does. If it was because he slept less hours than the night before he skips it and wears a teal shirt instead. If he goes backwards on the scale and goes to blue but would not wear a blue shirt he still counts blue in his going backwards on his scale. The second night the man wears a blue shirt because he did not sleep any more or less hours than the last night. The man sleeps for six hours that night. The next night he sleeps for five hours. Night number four he sleeps for eight hours. The next night he sleeps for seven hours. The next night he sleeps so well he sleeps for 11 hours. Night number seven he stays up so late he only sleeps for four hours. The next night he is so tired he sleeps for eight hours. The next night he sleeps for eight hours again. Night number ten he sleeps for 14 hours because he is sick. Since he slept so long the last night he only sleeps for seven hours. The next night he is a little bit tired so he sleeps for eight hours. The night after that he had to do so much work he only slept five hours. The next night at work they let him out early and he slept for nine hours. The next night he slept for eight hours. And the last night the man did he slept for ten hours. The next night he put on a different color shirt according to his scale, but the next night he randomly picked a shirt. At what night will the man wear a blue shirt again? 

I hate being asked this in the street every day.