I don’t use the word ‘hero’ often. Usually I only use it to describe everybody who manages to climb a hill at some point, and not even really a steep hill, but in this case I am willing to make an exception.
Eric Sandcastleton loves Paradise Lost, and after thirty years of close reading of Milton’s book about sexy vulnerable Satan and his weird relationship with God (and also Jesus is there for some reason? Even though he wasn’t born yet and is also sort of just God right? Fuck, theology is hard) Eric has made a shocking discovery.
‘I was reading Paradise Lost for like the thousandeth time, and I noticed something odd. Never, at any point, does Milton mention anybody taking off their shoes. Not Adam and Eve, not God, not the confusing Jesus cameo, not even Satan. Trippy right? Like, everybody is always walking around with their shoes on, forever. You’d think their shoes would wear out, but maybe it’s God magic or something.’
Wow! How did Milton scholars miss that for all these years!?
Of course, some crusty bitter academics have hit back.
‘In matter of fact, tis true that Milton never mentions anybody putting shoes on in the first place. So perchance everybody is shoeless hmmmm?’ said some old guy.
But Eric has an epic response.
‘I considered that. But if everybody isn’t wearing shoes then they’d get thorns in their feet and stuff. And Satan would be like ‘Shit, I just stepped on a pointy rock and I don’t have shoes so it hurt.’ Right?’
We can hardly argue with that logic.
So what does this mean for the intrepid hero, and Milton’s old poem.
‘I feel like it opens the door for understanding why Satan doesn’t like God.’ says Eric after a wise pause. ‘Like, maybe God makes everybody wear shoes and Satan likes flip-flops or some shit? Anyway, it’s still pretty cool.’
Yes it is indeed noble hero. Yes indeed it is.