Jesus fucking Christ how many characters does this book have / Literary Reimaginings

Progress for openness! New edition of The Hobbit has everybody asking Bilbo if ‘Everything is ok at home?’

Great news for fans of openness! A new edition of The Hobbit has rewritten the classic one book and three movies so that everybody is always questioning why Bilbo wants to come on the adventure in the first place, and asking him personal questions that clearly make him uncomfortable.

Wow! You fans of forcing unwilling people to reveal personal information about themselves are going to love this.

The Hobbit is widely considered a book. But a common complaint about it is that nobody bombards Bilbo with inappropriate or poorly phrased questions that ask way too much about his personal affairs. Well now that common complaint is at an end, with The Hobbit Reloaded. Let’s take a look at some of the scenes.

‘Bilbo’ said Gandalf, looking like Ian McKellen. ‘You agreed pretty readily to come on this journey that you have no skills for and no personal stake in. I wonder… is everything ok at home?’
‘Gandalf, you broke into my house and asked me to come.’ Bilbo replied, looking like Martin Freeman. ‘I’m just doing what you asked.’
‘Yes.’ said Gandalf stonedly, puffing at his pipe. ‘I didn’t see your wife and children when I broke in with all these dwarves you don’t know. Did she leave you and take the children?’
Bilbo Freeman stopped in his tracks. ‘Gandalf I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘You’ll feel better if you tell us.’ said one of the dwarves, none of whose names I can ever be bothered to remember.
‘I don’t know you.’ said Bilbo, clearly becoming emotional. ‘I’m talking about this with family and friends. Look, just leave it.’
‘The dwarves are your family now.’ said Gandalf, craving snacks.
‘Yeah.’ said the dwarves, who were apparently supposed to be funny (one of them eats a lot LOL). ‘Oh no, we’re falling over.’
‘Can we just go find the dragon please?’ asked Bilbo desperately.
‘The real dragon is your divorce.’ replied Gandalf.

Wow! See how the drug wizard and the many strangers asked a clearly uncomfortable Bilbo how things were going and refused to pick up on social cues and outright pleading to stop? Awesome! Here’s more.

‘Bilbo.’ said Thorin Oakenshield. ‘I am King under the Mountain. I command you to tell me every detail about your cock.’
Bilbo stared at him. ‘…what?’
‘Dick details!’ boomed Thorin. ‘We shall share them for it pleases me to do so!’
Bilbo stood for a moment and then turned. ‘Gandalf.’ he pleaded.
‘Tell the strange dwarf man about your penis you prude.’ snapped Gandalf.

Cool! Assuming everybody wants to share exactly the same information about themselves as you do and then shaming them if they don’t is such a cool way to see the world. But there’s more!

‘I am Smaug, the Magnificent. The Tremendous. The Unassessably Wealthy. The Mighty. The Terrible. The Stupendous. The Tyrannical. The Chiefest and Greatest of Calamities. And I demand to know…. what are you doing here? Is everything ok at home?’
‘Fuck it.’ said Bilbo. ‘I’m leaving.’

So amazing. Now hopefully we can build a society in which the dictates of extroverted people form the basis of what information we share. Hooray!

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